優雅的老去

有時候會想,當生命終結的時候,我會是什麼樣子。每一次,我都祈求,當我老時,不論我的外表變得如何,身體裡能夠保有足夠的從容、寬容與優雅。我想要老得像Leonard Cohen。外人自然是無從了解Leonard Cohen過世前所經歷過的身體上的苦,但是他留給我們的,永遠是那個漂亮的紳士形象。他在離世前不久,才剛送給樂迷他的最後一張專輯,一個退出的宣言、臨別禮物,並在享受樂迷的一致好評後悄然離去,時間抓得剛剛好。

前些日子腦袋被太多有的沒的佔據,音樂聽是聽了,卻沒有太多印象,直到這兩天突然開竅,才發現這整張專輯(You Want It Darker)幾乎每一首歌都美麗,充滿著回憶與自白,垂老掙扎與獲得救贖的渴望,還有那令人嘆息的接近唸白的低沈嗓音。歌詞裡談論著浪漫愛情,也同時談論著宗教,或著其他不同類型的人生處境,同一首歌,不同的人讀來,根據每個人的生活經驗,自有不同的感受。有魅力的文字,讓人反反覆覆一讀再讀。

“Hineni, hineni. I’m ready, my lord.”

“I’m leaving the table. I’m out of the game.”

Treaty講的是一種想要和人/神確定關係、定下來,卻徒勞未果的心情。原因難解,什麼都有可能,唯一可確定的是雙方漸行漸遠。也可能自始自終人所追求的只是虛幻的想像,他從來都不存在。失落、悔恨、灰暗,但是好美。

“Treaty”

I’ve seen you change the water into wine
I’ve seen you change it back to water, too
I sit at your table every night
I try but I just don’t get high with you
I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I’m angry and I’m tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty, I wish there was a treaty
Between your love and mine

Ah, they’re dancing in the street — it’s Jubilee
We sold ourselves for love but now we’re free
I’m so sorry for that ghost I made you be
Only one of us was real and that was me

I haven’t said a word since you been gone
That any liar couldn’t say as well
I just can’t believe the static coming on
You were my ground, my safe and sound
You were my aerial

Ah, the fields are crying out — it’s Jubilee
We sold ourselves for love but now we’re free
I’m so sorry for that ghost I made you be
Only one of us was real and that was me

I heard the snake was baffled by his sin
He shed his scales to find the snake within
But born again is born without a skin
The poison enters into everything

And I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I’m angry and I’m tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty, I wish there was a treaty
Between your love and mine